Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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