Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
