There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
