a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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