My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
