Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
