I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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