Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
