I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
