The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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