how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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