Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
