Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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