After last night, I could never be a politician.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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