I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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