No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
