I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
