I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
