This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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