So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
