we're chasing vodka with high fives
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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