I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
