he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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