Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
