come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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