The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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