Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
