i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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