I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
