Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize