I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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