this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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