He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
