I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
