Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
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I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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