Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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