you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
