so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Nobody cheats on THIS.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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