Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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