How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
