you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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