matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
