im having a threesome with these popsicles
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
