im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
