I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
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What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
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You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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