my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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