oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
