Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED