I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
