Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
