I'm fucking your sister right now.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?