plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018