i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
