Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
