Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
