I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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