Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
