Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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