i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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