Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
