And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We had sex on a dog bed..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
